Independence is an awesome thing and there's nothing more attractive than a woman who has her stuff together. This is the woman who is career oriented, driven, and motivated toward her goals in life. She has her own house, her own car, her own money in the bank, and takes care of her responsibilities. She juggles all aspects of her life and blends them all seamlessly.....through it all she shines! SOUNDS GOOD! (In my highly sarcastic voice-lol).....but when everyone leans on you...who do you lean on? Who do you reach out to when it seems like the pressure is building up and you want to avoid dropping the "proverbial" ball. After all people are depending on you...because of you they eat, because of you they live, because of you the world goes around ....right...WRONG. ALL independent women I know (including myself) have wrestled with the prospect of reaching out for help, delegating responsibility, or just sitting back and letting someone else take care of you. Many of us hold steadfast to the belief that if you want something done right.you have to do it yourself. Although it's great to DO...there has to be balance. There has to be a point where you entrust some of your daily responsibilities to someone who you trust and deem capable of handling "certain things" with the same tenacity and excellence that you would. Delegating is simply taking a simple task, wrapping up into a neat package, and handing it to someone else. Since there is only one you, you have to prioritize and distinguish what needs your hands on interaction and what can be handled by your trustee 3rd party. I have learned, and I am still learning that there are tasks that only I can do and there are tasks that I can reach out to others to get done.
The 5 rules of reaching out are 1) reach out to God first and ask for direction 2) find a great support system (Hint: You already have one if you have an awesome mom like mine, a close friend, a family member, or other trusted 3rd party) 3) Utilize your support system 4) Outline your expectations and needs 5) Reward and express gratitude to those in your support system. (After all, they do help you keep your sanity). Those around you know “how you roll”, they know you can make it happen, and they know they can call on you. It’s time to reach out to those same people and help them to help you by accepting their advances.
Sometimes our past disappointments can stop us from asking others for help for fear that they will either say no, mess up, walk out, or let us down in some way shape or form. I literally hated to use the words "I need" because I had made up in my mind that I didn’t NEED anybody. The word need just sounded so ummm....well.... NEEDY. We have to move past that and realize that God removed certain people for a reason and replace those people with those who will provide the help you need. He needs you to be in tip top shape so that He can use you. Past hurts helped us to build our character and made us strong enough to stand alone....Great! Hooray! and Owww!..BUT that's not the end of the story. The hurts came to shape us and move on...they didn’t come to set up camp and stay forever. I’m realizing and teaching others that you do NEED. You need time with God, you need "ME TIME", you need a minute to sit down, you need to let someone help, you need to be happy, and you need to be grateful, you need to be healthy, and you need to be sane. If you don’t meet YOUR needs then you can’t meet THEIR needs. Now that I have totally exhausted the word need I will close by saying "WE need you to put YOU first Ms. Independent.
6 Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you NEED, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
So it's like 2am and this one topic comes to mind just in time for Monday...the start of the work week. The symbol of fresh beginnings and the chance to try again this week all that you gave up on last week. New beginnings...out with the old and in with the new....brings me straight to my topic. The subject of ex boyfriends, ex spouses, ex lovers, and ex friends have been surfacing a lot lately and the ladies have requested that this topic be addressed....like to hear it?...well here it goes! Clearly people are exes for several reasons, it could be as simple as the relationship grew stale and its inhabitants grew apart or it could be that trust was broken and there was no repairing the damage. Either way, broken relationships are difficult because there are emotions attached; we all have some issues and baggage related to the ex that needs to be released. In order for us to be prepared for when God sends us the person we ARE supposed to be with then we have to do engage in “real talk” and define what it is that was lost, gained, and pushed under the rug throughout our lives. The biggest mistake that people can make in a relationship is to take the baggage with them instead of unpacking the bags from the past and going through all the junk inside. Let’s visit some possible ex categories shall we:
1) There’s the one that got away: This person could have possibly been the one if only you would have shown some “act right”. They were the Clyde to your Bonnie & you were the Bonnie to their Clyde plus everything in between. Conversations were effortless, fun was built in, and they were your bestie through thick and thin. When you closed your eyes you daydreamed about your wedding day, how fabulous you would look, how many babies would come, you thought about wonderful it would be to see him waiting at the end of the aisle, and you would smile to yourself as you thought of your future with this person. There are times when you think about what went wrong and considered how your actions could have contributed to the demise of the relationship but then you chalk it up as a loss and try to move on. Deep down inside you still got it bad for this particular person and if they came back today, right now, in the middle of the game or your favorite show, you would take them in your arms and the rest would be history.
2) There’s the one you sent away: This is the person who you really loved and grew close to after letting your guard down in order to start off “fresh”, you gave them a chance and let them into your heart. Everything was good or so you thought, next thing you know they turn out to be someone totally different than they portrayed in the beginning and their TRUE colors start to show. With the emergence of the true colors you become color blind and shell shocked that you have been duped, bamboozled, and hoodwinked. Now it’s too late and you’re in way too deep. Your family and friends have all grown to love this person and you have defended him to those you love, you have worked hard at trying to keep the façade. AND THEN…..one day you wake up….cold water splashes on your face, the alarm clock goes off, the covers get pulled off, and you stub your toe (insert another annoyance that gets your undivided attention here). You realize they aren’t even that “fine”, they don’t do anything to contribute to the relationship, they have no ambition or goals, they can’t hold a simple conversation, and they are a jailbird, a needy nag, or just simply a loser (feel free to choose any combination provided or make your own).
3) There’s the one that was exposed: This is the person who lied from the beginning and said that it was everything that it wasn’t. Are you married?...NO. Do you have any children?...NO. Do you have a job…YES. Did you sleep with her...NO. Are you on the DL?...Heck No (which will be the answer). ….Are you single and ready to mingle….But of course! After a few weeks, months, years, or decades you find out that this person has a whole family tucked away in another city, town, borough, state or country. You ask the obvious questions and get answers that pretty much lead to “I wanted to eat my cake along with the icing, the appetizer and buffet, all with the bonus of indulging at the open bar”. The trust is broken, they are branded a liar, you are angry enough to slap faces to the ground and the truth has finally come to the light. You’re devastated because you loved this person and you ponder all of the valid moments in the relationship and wonder if it was all a lie, a fabrication, another chapter in this made up story. Your even madder because you were not given the choice of whether or not proceed after knowing all of the facts but instead you were tricked into cheating and used as a pawn. No options were given and you were cheated out of the decision making process which could have saved you a whole lot of trouble and heartache.
4) There’s the ex-friend that was set outside of the circle of trust: This person was your best bud, you two did everything together, talked about everything, and helped each other through good and bad times. You’re the type that doesn’t even entertain a lot of “female friends” and would rather not in order to alleviate any issues. In this case you let your guard down because the beginning stages of trust were built and the friend had shown loyalty and proven that they deserve to be in the circle of trust. Next thing you know the two of you agree to disagree and all of these pent up feelings and hostility spews out, thus creating a wound that cannot simply be covered with a band aid. OR you find out that she talking about you behind you back and discussing the details of private conversations amongst her other friends….and she had the nerve to be taking a public poll about how “they felt’ about the situation. OR you find out that the entire time that you were telling her you man problems she was using that as insight into how she would then get with your man behind your back. OR you simply wake up and realize that she wouldn’t, doesn’t, and won’t go to the same extremes that you go to for her and the relationship is" take" instead of give and take.
Whats' Next: Okay, so now that we have discussed some possible scenarios pertaining to broken relationships now we can move on to the chapter on forgiveness, healing, and moving on. In the meantime, you can begin to process some of these scenarios and identify the one that’s pertaining to you. Keep in mind that there are soooooo many different categories that I couldn't possibly cover them all today BUT if you want to add one to this list and help someone else grow from what you have learned feel free to comment. Take this opportunity to list the issues that are attached to your old relationships and define what you need to do differently the next time. After all, before you can truly forgive you need to clearly outline who you need to forgive and what they have done to you that needs to be released, this needs to be done before forgiveness will be “official”. See the next blog posting for further insight into this topic-Part II resumes tomorrow. Same time and same place tomorrow peeps! Love ya & Smooches xoxo.
4 Questions: Are you are pulled in a million directions? Do you have a ton of people that rely on you? Do you ever take time out to do something for yourself?....and Lastly, Who will take care of you if you don't take care of yourself?
Today's topic has to do with self care and simply remembering that you have to take care of you no matter how important you are to those around you. In fact, the more important you are to those around you, the more obligated you are to take care of yourself. Taking care of others is a natural instinct that women have, instinctively there is something that clicks in our heads that tells us if it has to get done then we have to be the ones that do it. If your anything like me, you'd rather do it yourself to make sure that it gets done with a level of excellence instead of just barely making the grade. Although there is nothing wrong with "getting things done", there needs to be a minute, hour, or day where nothing gets done. Doing nothing does not necessarily mean that you are not being productive. The mind, body, and spirit all need time to process, recuperate, and recharge in order to do it all over again tomorrow. When we constantly give and pour into others without REPLENISHING ourselves, we will find that we are left with an empty jar and a full mind. Spend some time with you, get to know yourself on a new level, and give all of your worries to God. After all, He's fully equipped to handle all of your cares, offer peace & solace as He works on your behalf, and provide a solution that will always be in your best interest. Challenge: Pick any day this week and choose a block of time (hours or day) to turn off your cell phone and indulge in something that makes you feel great, whether it's a good book, a Mani & Pedi, or a drive to nowhere. Let me know how much fun you had with your new bestie.....she's the coolest!
Matthew 11:28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
Author: Ms. Made4Ministry
Hello Friends!...Welcome to my blog, my thoughts, and my ministry. *Clears throat loudly*....A little about me (or a lot)..Although I am and will always be a Brooklyn girl at heart....I currently reside in Hampton VA and I love it. I know that has God has strategically placed me here to align me with my purpose. I have no problem using my voice to glorify God as we are supposed to glorify Him in all that we do. God took the thing that used to get me into the most trouble and used it for His purpose. He has used my "real talk" method of delivery to reach those that need to hear the message in a way that they can receive and relate to. I am in the process of writing my book "Molding Me" so I am proud to report that I already have 6 chapters completed....it is quite interesting if I must say so myself. It is a detailed account of my journey from sinister to minister and it is a page turner. Don't worry MOST names will be changed to protect the the innocent and the guilty (it's not a tell all-it's a tell most...sigh!). Let's just say I've come a long way peeps!....Thank God for change because I don't think the world was ready for me before Jesus got His hands on me!